So continuing on from yesterday’s post. I just made it on the train…
And then I let it out. I was upset at myself. Like any New Yorker, I cried shamelessly on public transportation, but with sunglasses on.
I wasn’t originally going to admit on here I cried. I hate people seeing me cry, or knowing about it. Especially with flight training, it just makes me seem like such a girl, in a world that doesn’t have many girls, so I feel it’s not okay. I had cried once before, and didn’t feel better until on the 99s Training Forum other ladies were talking about crying after lessons. I felt relieved I wasn’t alone out there. So I wanted to share my experience about crying, in case there were other people thinking it wasn’t okay out there.
I expect a lot of myself and put a lot of pressure on myself, which is why I cried. I cried the whole train ride home. My instructor wanted to know how I did after and so I texted her it was my worst landing ever. She prodded a bit more about other landings and maneuvers, I told her some of it and just told her how crappy I felt afterwards. She texted me encouraging words to not let it bug me, I got really nervous so went into a spiral and we need to work to get me over it. She said she would ask the other instructor how it went. Few minutes later she texted me more, just saying he said I seemed nervous. The things I did wrong I’ve never had a problem with before.
I responded to her about how I got discouraged with the turn around a point (which I guess wasn’t bad since he didn’t mention it) and it just went all downhill. She gave me a long encouraging text back about how it was just nerves, it wasn’t a test and I won’t solo until I feel completely ready. She also added the other instructor thought my ground was perfect so he thought my flight would be perfect too. They both know I know what I’m doing, but just get nervous doing it.
Finally, I admitted to her something that I’ve been trying to push down. Just how I feel it’s never going to happen and I’ve built it up and now whenever I think about soloing it makes me immensely nervous. I’m glad I did admit it to her because she said this back “If you think of it as a ‘thing that won’t happen,’ it won’t. Please allow yourself this if its what you want. You’re really the only one who can get yourself over that mentality. You’re good, I really think you can do this. We just gotta get you over this hump and we will.”
I got this right as I walked through the door to my apartment. It made me felt better, but I was (still) crying and my boyfriend was luckily home. I ran to him crying. I don’t know if I could do this without him and his support/own stories to help me. He was great and I told him everything. He put it in perspective to me that it just sounds like a bad landing and I wasn’t a terrible at every thing. Then he shared a story about his best student broke the plane on his first solo. It was then he had his bad landing, he wasn’t bad before then or after, but had to get that bad landing out. I felt better, at least I didn’t break the plane (or that I know of yet).
He told me that there are times people think they won’t get something. I’ve heard that before. I thought I’ve felt this way before, but it’s nothing in comparison to how I feel now. And one day it’ll go away and click. I hope it’s that way.
I’m glad I have a good support system for this time in my training. My next lesson is over a week away, I think now this break is actually good. I need time to calm down and think and do some self improvement in my thinking and approaching it.